my blog

Once upon a time, I used to blog. True story. This is my blog. MY blog. mine. The end. It's a start. No really, the end.

Honey Badgers

Do you even KNOW how badass honey badgers are? Do you? I'm sure you don't. They. Are. BADASS mother fu*$@!s. You got no idea. Noooooo idea.

They eat cobras. Cobraaaaas. They get bitten by them... not even bothered. Stung by bees... don't give a you-know-what. Clever? Woah... they are SO clever.

Damn.

"Oh Cary har har so what's your favourite animal on safari dear, in the whole of Africa darling?" 

oh. um. let me think

a HONEY BADGER

a honey. freakin'. BADGER

Fearless.

FEARLESS I tell you.

Honey badger sees a piece of meat, he wants it... Little lion's got it. WHATEVER. Not a problem. He takes it. TAKES it. It's HIS.

They use tools, they'll even MAKE tools. I'm serious.

Masters of mayhem. MASTERS 

Their method of attack... castration. Brutal.

But they love honey, how cute. They just LOVE it.

But yes. Castration.

They're nice to honeyguide birds though. It's really sweet 

ferocious lil cutesie honey badgeeeer. Feisty little cute-ums just wants a bit of honeeeey.

But yeah. Honey badgers... totally badass

being me

My nomadic lifestyle sometimes causes a few problems for me...

Example:

Me: Hi there, can I please change this €100 into Rands please?

Yes, sure, passport please...

Oh. British passport, you sound South African. Can I have your address in the UK?

Oh, I don't live in the UK

Oh, okay, you just have a British passport? Where do you live then?

Um, well, at the moment, in Botswana. I just work there though. I guess that means I live there, doesn't it? Yes, I live in Botswana.

But I'm a permanent resident in South Africa, I have a permanent residency thing in my passport... my old passport. This is the new one (long story).

Can I please get proof of address in South Africa then?

Oh, um. I don't have anything like that. I don't really know the address, my parents just moved there. I don't really have my own address there. So I guess my address there is their address (is it? that's ridiculous, isn't it, okay scrap that). I don't know. I guess I don't have an address in South Africa

So, you DON'T live in South Africa. Address in Botswana please...

Oh, okay. Let's see... tent 2. In the bush, pretty remote. Um, the Linyanti, on the Spillway, behind the big leadwood tree? Next to the termite mound? No? Nothing? Ummmmm. Okay. I don't really know where I live.

So, what bank are you with?

Lloyds, in Gibraltar. I used to work in the Med. Offshore account. Lost my SA bank card, haven't had the chance to set up one in Botswana.

So where did you used to live when you worked in the Med, do you have an address for there?

Hmm. Tricky. I lived on a boat, so, no address, really. Just sort of... floated around the sea, nothing real permanent.

Okay. Sssssorry my dear, I don't think I can help you today.

Righto

you think I'm a big old crook. I get it.
#justwannachangemah100euros #goddamint

Don't have too much time to write, but basically... THIS happened in camp a few days ago. I knurrr right?!

so, this is where I've been

I've not posted anything in over a month now and I'm having to stop myself from even starting, just because I know very well that once I start I won't ever be able to stop and to be honest, I'm not sure where I would even begin, or which incredible experience to share first. Just the thought seems a bit daunting, I'd be here for days with the things I've seen and stories of what it's like here (oh god, I've started). 

Ok here, have a picture, and then I'll carry on...

That's David and I, just, uh, saying oh hay to a big old elephant in our canoe. Casual.

Where was I? What I can say is that I'm quite sure there is no camp in Africa I'd be better suited to. It's romantic; candle chandeliers and flickering brass lanterns under the mopane trees and a sky full of stars, copper hip baths on the sand bank and Swahili style rugs on soft sand on the spillway. The camp has a story, and I discover new things every day, I love it, I am IN love with it. Yesterday I opened up an old wooden box with "The Selous Project" printed on it to find a stack of incredible wildlife and travel books , old leather frames and candles, brass water jugs and leather boxes, all sorts of little trinkets and treasures from Tanzania that were all packed into wooden trunks to be taken to Botswana and it seems some of them have yet to be opened, it's like Christmas!

I get to come up with crazy ideas and try new things, I'm the only laaady in the camp so I'm the "feminine touch" and in charge of all things romantic and stylish and pretty. I poof up cushions and light candles, I organise romantic dinners and picnics in the bush, I have to drink gin and tonics and have to smile so much my face sometimes hurts. It's tough.

Ok here, have a picture (and then I'll carry on)

That's us, canoeing past hippo pool. mmm. Real brave.

  I'm actually REALLY brave. I don't know if I'm brave or just really stupid, but I don't have huge amounts of fear just cruising around camp by myself, even at night, despite waking up to leopard, buffalo, elephant, wild dog and hyena tracks all over camp pretty much every morning. I'm sure something will happen one day, but until then, fearless. I'm quite in love with our guide here, not in love love, just in love as in WOAH he's amazing and I literally hang off every word he says, he's a bushman, and he teaches me things about plants and animals, and stuff. We're kind of best friends. You see, I told you I would do this (and I've not even started on the leopard in camp, or the wild dog kill outside the guest tents or the time our guests swapped clothes with the staff and served a meal to them all). Ok, I must stop, have another picture. I have one gazillion more, stay tuned

In a desperate attempt to watch the Oscar Pistorius trial I went to a tacky restaurant and boom, power goes off, no TV, and no lunch. Okay let me go to my new little coffee shop hangout and play on the Internet, oh, that's not gonna happen either. Okay let me go to the shop and get something for dinner. WAIT, I can't see anything in the shop because it's pitch black, because there's NO POWER. So, nothing for dinner then. And it continued like that, no tea (no TEA!!) no hot shower, no light in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, no laptop to play on, no charged camera to take pictures with. I have 16% left of my iPhone battery. You guys, things are NOT looking good. Yes. There's a power outage in Maun, aaaaand it can be expected to last for four days. Some dodo head crashed into a power tower thing. Four DAYS?! For the love of god can I please just go to the bush #wantmypermiiiiiiiiiiiiit 

Sooooo, if one more person gets married, gets engaged, pushes a small human being out from inside of themselves I might have to say goodbye to Facebook, or, alternatively, do a serious cleanse of all the people who are my age and acting accordingly, like, what is WRONG with y'all? Just kidding, well done you guys, you all win at life. I should be off to the bush again in a few days and will most probably have zero comms. I will be living in a tent, taking bucket showers and talking codswallop to complete strangers all day. I win I win I win. Okay I'm off to buy serious, practical stuff, like ugly walking shoes and nerdy hats, mosquito repellent and chocolate. Just kidding. No chocolate. Chococlate isn't very practical, at ALL! My gosh. It gets all messy and melty (and delicious, omg SO delicious). Maybe just a little bit of chocolate. Fine, maybe a lot. No, none at all. I'm conflicted. This is my life. This is what I'm like. It's a bit of a bother. Chocolate, or no chocolate? Two children, or just the one screaming bundle of ball and chain, I mean joy, beautiful bundle of joy. What a twisted old prune I sound like. I actually LOVE babies, from a distance, dressed in cuddly penguin outfits rolling around the floor. Okay. Head torches. Over and out. 

this is what's up...

A few updates on my riveting life in Maun waiting for my work permit...

1. I got a new torch

YAY

(It's really bright)

Like, SUPER bright

hashtaglovesiiiiit

2. I almost killed myself swerving for a chameleon on the road.

Narrow escape HE made, cutesie little creep

3. In a moment of complete dickness, I tried to drown a huge scary insect in the sink as I was brushing my teeth because I got a fright, and then I was so overcome with guilt, I couldn't BELIEVE what I was doing, what kind of an anus horribilis DOES that?! I then went to great lengths to rescue it aaaaand then we were friends and I got pretty sad when he flew away. But I guess I don't blame him (entirely), I tried to DROWN him in toothpasty water JUST because he was ugly. Imagine. 

4. Ummm. Ummmm. Oh, there's this THING out there in the bush, cruising around my camp, it's a Red Lechwe cross Waterbuck. Quite unusual THAT. Foxy little Lechwe trying a different flavor. I'll try my best to find it. #challenge #imabignerd

5. Who am I kidding? There's no 5.

6. No 6 either

7. What's the difference between a shongololo and a centipede and WHY those things gotta bite? Haters.

8. I flew an aeroplane the other day. Like a boss.

9. Marco?

10. DID you know... turtles can breathe out their BUTTS? Seriously. Watch me hold my breath for 14 hours (while I sneakily inhale through my butt and you all think I'm incredibly clever and amazing, BOOM, through my butt, folks)

Okay so that turned less into and update on my life and more of an update on my state of mental health. Oh dear. TEA?! Anyone for tea?

Soooo, like, still waiting for work permit sha-hizzle. It's not all bad though, I've been cruising between camps, "getting to know how they run", going on game drives, having bubble baths and eating three course meals under the stars. This may continue. 

My morning went like this:

Okay, Cary, we have an EXCITING new opportunity for you

Mmmhmmm

Well, we know you loved that last camp we sent you to 

Yes, yes indeed. Loved. Loved A LOT

Well, things have changed 

Nooooooo

Not for the worse

Righto

Well, we don't think putting you back of house in a big camp is right for you

Okay (yes, right, far too spectacular a shining little star for that, NO ONE puts Baby in the corner, gotcha, we can thrash that one out later if you like)

We think....

Mmmhmmm

Well, we think you would be GREAT as camp manager at our super exclusive mobile explorers camp, they need someone like you out there 

...

...

It's an all male staff though...

well, the chef is a lady...

How do you feel about that? 

Um

...

Errrr

......

Now don't panic 

Okay

The camp is absolutely spectacular. It's a mobile camp, a sort of permanent mobile camp, closed for three months of the year. Super luxurious and old school, incredible game, they focus mainly on walking safaris and canoe trails. 100% solar power, no comms (only radio, eeek), outdoor bucket showers, dinners under the stars, super isolated, on the spillway. Basically, they picked up an entire camp from the Selous in Tanzania aaaaand put it in Botswana. It's REAL nice. Persian rugs and crystal cognac decanters, antique furniture, floor cushions and low tables, lanterns and candles and bohemian flair. Very romantic and lovely.

Fine, if I MUST. But I want an outdoor shower. And a pet squirrel, then we can talk (and chocolate, lllllllots of chocolate). Oh, and I want to to go on ALL the walking safaris and, leopard cubs, in my tent, on my pillow, every night. 

Cool?

Cool

Sand fleas. Errrrrrmehgerd. 

The End

You are NOT going to believe what happened yesterday... I left my iphone in the taxi I caught into town, filled with people, got to where I was going and realized 20 minutes later I no longer had my phone, My friend turned on her "Find my iPhone" app and we could see it on the map. Drove to where it was and creeped up on the taxi driver outside Nandos playing with his new toy, flicking through all my photos. BOOM. You should have seen his face. I think he suspected some kind of voodoo witchcraft shizzle was going on that we found him. Absolutely priceless.