in 2013...

I know this is a little late, I wrote it ages ago and then forgot about it, but urr blog has to have a reflection post, right? A "2013 in review" shebang? Mkay, well I gots one, here it is

IN 2013, I HAVE...

Watched one thousand floating lanterns bring in the New Year in Thailand, seen the sun rise over Angkor Wat in Cambodia, cruised down the Mekong Delta in Vietnam, been conned by a seven year old and seriously considered kidnapping small children (not that particular  one, obviously). I've given up fizzy drinks for six months and NOT given up chocolate for 12 months (um, yay). I've been to a ping-pong show in Phuket... there was no ping-pong (not ready to talk about it yet). 

I've had an iguana thrown at me, watched canaries come out of unspeakable places (ping-pong show my ping pong), mastered the squat, peed on my shoes, fine, maybe not mastered. I've sat on a bus for seventeen hours (more than once), eaten blow-your-head-and-pants-off red curry in a Thai road house at 3am (what was I thinking?). I've ordered pineapple in an attempt to be healthy only to find it was deep fried... and served with condensed milk (?!). So WHAT if I enjoyed it, just a little bit (fine, maybe a lot).

I've kayaked in Halong Bay (seven wonders of the world, and all that) and walked for two hours in the rain (some people feel the rain while others just get wet.... I was definitely feeling it). 

I've lived in a tent, on the beach, on an island in the Philippines for 6 weeks. Sailed the Bacuit Archipelago, been kissed on the nose by a clownfish (and a giraffe, not on the nose though, but that would be sweet, just on the mouth, there was tongue, most action I'd had in months, uhhrrr). I've swum with turtles, dolphins, whale sharks and the lesser spotted Norweigan backpacker Nikolai. I've made coconut oil, discovered banana spring rolls (omg) and seen turtles hatch. I've eaten 5 mangoes in one sitting and 10 in a day, but who's counting? I was nearly KILLED by a falling coconut, god damn.

I beaten a 6 year old in an epic stare-off on the London Underground (he was good, buuuut I was better). I've fallen down a flight of stairs. Ouches.

I've submerged my face in water for over five hours, snorkelled nekkid on APO ISLAND and learnt how to make friendship bracelets on the beach. I've swum in a sea filled with phosphorescents and bartered for banana leaf cigarettes. I've been blessed by a monk, hugged by a witch doctor and, ahem, "healed" by a traditional healer. 

I've gone several days without washing or brushing my hair (I don't advise it). I've become an unequivocal expert on Asian lavatory systems and learnt the value of pre-purchased toilet paper, hand sanitiser, Imodium and cheap valium (what? the bus trips were BRUTAL).

I've slept in tree houses in most of the countries I've visited and carried a shisha in my backpack for two months. I've had to borrow money from a homeless lady and swapped my scarf for phone credit. 

I've been bitten and stung by jellyfish, bees, mosquitos, wasps, dogs and invisible stingy things in the sea. I've eaten an enormous swamp worm thingy swimming in vinegar in Manila and smashed back a mopane worm (not ever again). I've seen more stars than I even knew existed. I've showered whilst sitting on a toilet, on a boat, in the Gulf of Leon. I've showered in a bamboo forest, under a waterfall on the beach,  under a bucket and beneath a tree in Botswana. I've hiked the Cinque Terre in Italy, eaten two ice creams in one day (so what if it was THREE?) and celebrated the festival of the lemon (?). I've learnt to sail, driven speed boats and paddled on the standy-up paddle board things. I've really learnt to articulate myself and expanded my vocabulary (standy-up paddle board things? Cary you literary GURU). 

I've won money betting on fighting cocks and spiders in the Philippines, I've EATEN a spider, I've skinny-dipped in the Cote d'Azur (and in Sardinia, and Corsica and the Philippines and, no never mind). I've fasted for an entire WEEK (just so I could eat voluminous amounts of Laduree macarons in Paris. I've tried (and failed) to be a vegetarian. I've bought an iPhone, a Macbook and a fancy SLR camera and felt guilty about it ever since. I've lost (and have not yet found) three dress sizes, despite said macaron gorging sessions and unspeakable amounts of Italian gelato (woop-ah). I've sipped champagne in Monaco and gin out of sachets in Tanzania. I've been inside the Ngorongoro Crater, yo. Spotted leopards in the Serengeti, boom.  

I've explored every possible means of transport: trains, planes, boats, trams, tubes, busses, motorbikes, mopeds, jeepneys, ferries, bicycles, dhows, kayaks, rafts, canoes, tuk-tuks, trucks, horse and carriage, donkey and carriage, camel and carriage (just kidding), embarrassing tourist train thingys (why... WHY?) and mokoros in the Okavango Delta. 

I've eaten pizza in NAPLES, seen the Statue of David (woop) and NOT climbed up the leaning tower of Pisa (I saw it, that was enough). I've seen Mount Vesuvius and spent the day wondering around the ancient ruins of Pompeii. I've eaten frogs legs, in France (go figure).

I'VE CAUGHT A 20kg YELLOW FIN TUNA (give or take, maybe just take. Maybe it was only 10kg. So take 10). I've eaten fresh tuna three times a day for three days in a row; tuna steaks, tuna salad, tuna meatballs, tuna sashimi, tuna ceviche, tuna pasta, tuna pizza, tuna cake (having a laugh). I've learnt to say "hello, goodbye, where's the bakery, how much does that cost and what time do you close" in four languages. Pow. 

I've mastered the art of sign language, animal noises and miming (you should SEE me do the duck). I've lied to a police man, with a straight face (I KNOW!).

I've learnt how to make PIZZA, from an Italian pizza guru. I've cooked gourmet three course meals meals on a luxury superyacht for very discerning guests (google you are me HERO). I've sailed around SARDINIA, hiked in Corsica and drowned myself and my sorrows in Sangria in Majorca. I've brutally murdered a lobster, don't wanna talk about it.

I've made best friends with a seventy year old man and travelled from Nairobi to Mombasa by train. I've eaten a goat, and a crocodile (not a whole one, that would be greedy). I'm pretty sure I've eaten a horse, quite possibly a cat too. I've travelled overland from Kenya to South Africa on a truck. I've seen a golden rumped SHREW, I've stroked a bushbaby, seen a tarsier (holy HAT they're cute) and cruised around the Chocolate Hills in Bohol. I've seen entire river banks lit up by fireflies whilst kayaking down the Abatan river. I sang Owl City "fireflies" the entire time. True story.

I've given money to a monkey.
WTF

  I've not worn closed shoes for an entire year (flip-flops and barefoot all the way). I've slipped on donkey doo in Lamu and been sat on by an enormous African lady, SAT ON. I've shared a seat with two chickens and been vomited on by a screaming baby. Yum.

 I met this dude who killed a lion when he was 12. Epic.

I've slept in train stations, airports, dodgey hotel receptions and a massage shack on the beach, for three nights (desperate times). I've driven right around Siquijor Island on a scooter, with no licence, no helmet, and not an inkling how the thing worked (pretty bad-ass like that). I've tried (and almost lost) my hand at fire dancing.

I've smoked the naughty sort in Malawi (like NOT brushing your hair in days and eating chicken ceviche from street vendors, I do NOT recommend it). I've been drenched by the Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe, covered in mud, attacked by insects and licked by a bushbaby (oooohwee). I've poled down the Okavango Delta, seen the Big Five, slept in a tent for 36 days. Thirty SIX. Thirty six daaaays. Three Six. It was summin' else. 

So yeah, 2013 was a pretty adventurous year for me. 
2014, let's be havin' ya