Forget Florence

So, today, I was supposed to get the train to Florence but instead I'm sitting at a dodgey cafe in Imperia playing on the internet (oleh) as it's bucketing down with rain and there's not much point in going anywhere. The rest of the crew have gone for a few days to visit their girlfriends/wives etc and old single sally over here is stuck babysitting the boat as she has neither girlfriend nor wife (go figure). I told them that I DO have a wife, her name is Goggi Wheeler and I would like very much to go visit her but the captain was having none of it, so I will just sit my sentence for being single out on the boat, by myself, sans loverrr, with brief visits to the internet shoppy and plan a sneaky escape to Florence (or Pisa) when the rain has stopped, how cheeky.

Animal noises, sign language and other means of communication

This whole shopping business is rather tricky, even more so when you can’t speak the local language. I’ve just (sort of, kind of, not really) got the hang of French and now I’m in Italy and it’s a whooole different story. Today, my shopping experience when like this

Bonjour, sorry.. bonjourNO (?). Um, anglais? Sorry, I mean English? Can you speak English?

Italiano.

Oh, I see (well that makes sense I guess). Okay, well, I’m looking for a butchery.

*scrunchy up face* Aboooocherry? No. No.

Okay, um marcelleria?

No. Yes. Down. Down. Down (pointing upwards with his hands) left (pointing right, great, now what exactly do I do with this information?)

Grazie. Chow

Walk walk walk, down down down left aaaand I’m at the rotisserie where they sell already cooked meat.

Grrreat. ROUND 2. Bonjourno, mi scuzi, eh, marcelleria?

Eventually arrive at the butchery.

Bonjourno. Mi scuzi.. Lamb?

No.

No you don’t have it or no you don’t understand?

No.

Ooookay. Um, baaaaa baaaaa. Sheep. Lamb. Baaa Baaa

Aaaaah okay, yes.

The butcher found this rather entertaining (as did the rest of the customers in the shop) and proceeded to ask me if I needed some “moooo mooooo” (marching around behind the counter with his hands as horns held up against his head, what a joker)

Qui. I mean yes. Two grande mooooo mooooo und zwei (sorry, that’s German) TWO cluck cluck cluck.

Grazie. Arravadechi.

Mission accomplished.

Wait, I’m looking for the fish monger?

Eh?

Uh, fish *proceeds to make fish like motions (still not understood), *acts out casting a rod and reeling in a fish.

Aaaaah. Pesceria?

YES. Fifty meter, left, pesceria.

Phew. ALL in a day’s work.

kay, where AM I?

Three clues...

Could it beeeee ITALY?

EXTREME shopping

So, I was running low on groceries and was told "don't worry about going to the shops now, get on with the laundry, you can go tomorrow"... mmmmkay, 7am the next morning... CARY, we're leaving, pull up the anchor, "err, you said I could go shopping..." NO time for shopping HURRY, wind's picking up we're outta here, "but, I have no food to give the guests", "well, you SHOULDA gone yesterday"... ummm, uh?? Are you KIDDING me?!

 

Seriously, captain dumbdumb I NEED to go shopping.

 

FINE

 

We'll slow the boat down, drop the tender (in the MIDDLE of the ocean) , you're gonna jump in and head to the next port... it's about a 25 minute drive, you're gonna tie up (you know how to do a bowline RIGHT?!) and then you're gonna do the shopping, REALLY fast and then you're going to get back in the tender and drive to the next port and meet us there.

 

Um.

 

By myself?

 

Jesus will be with you.

 

Very funny.

 

No I'm serious, it's pretty rough out there. You DO have your powerboat licence right?

 

Yes, but

 

But WHAT, do you have it or not??

 

Yes, I have it.

 

Well, then what's your problem?

 

I'm scared.

 

...

 

...

 

You're scared. Hahahaha, Ronnie she's scared.

 

Screw you guys, give me the keys I'm GOING.

 

Good girrrrl.

 

Well, it was extreme. I felt like James bloody Bond jumping into the tender with sea RAGING and the wind howling, it was so rough I nearly fell out a few times, I was petrified. It all seemed rather EXTREME, all that fuss just to pick up a fresh fish... seriously, why can't they just have a toasted bloody sandwhich?

 

 

 

For Miguel, and other yachtie hopefuls

So, this started off as an email to my friend Miguel in South Africa who I felt needed a bit of a kick up his gluteus minimus, he's been wanting to get into the yachting industry so, being a seasoned PROFESSIONAL, I thought it only fair that I share my wealth of knowledge with him... and then I thought, why be selfish, share it with the rest of the world too, so here it is Miguel, some tips and useful advice for someone who needs a gentle SHOVE in the right direction.... whether you want it or not.

                                                                                   

1. Try get your hands on as much money as you can to do all the right courses... beg, borrow, steal. You WILL make it back (and more) in the first month, without a doubt, so don't stress about it. Talk to Daddy Dearest, tell him you'll even pay him interest and throw in a Lamborghini, cos you'll just be LOADED like that.

 

2. Decide, do you want to work on a motor yacht... or a sailing yacht. I think that a chartered sailing yacht is right down your alley, it's more active, exciting, you get to be outdoors more, you get to go to cooler places and it's a bit more relaxed and less stuffy than the floating fortresses, and with the chartering you'll more than double your 2000euro minimum salary with tips.

So, to work on a sailing yacht, I'd suggest you do as many courses as you can, deckhand, skipper, power boat level 2, competent crew etc. The sailing yachts want someone who is practical and can sail, they don't want to have to teach someone from scratch so STCW isn't really enough. If you can, try get onto a sailing yacht in Durban,  even a small one and get some hours and a reference letter, even if you're not getting paid it will help you SO much and set you apart from all the other guys, I really recommend doing that. You can do all the courses in Cape Town, or Durban, just google it, there are SO many. If you don't have the money or the time you can get away with just doing the STCW and ENG 1, but then you'll head more down the motor yacht route and you'll be competing with the other 10 000 guys who've done exactly the same thing (very risky).

 

3. Once you've booked your courses, book your ENG1 Medical. There's a doctor in Durban that does it, Dr Dungan, +27 31 261 8291. Then book your flight, Etihad is super cheap... www.etihad.com, I got mine for R2300 (click on it NOW). I would suggest coming around mid April, so many people got here too early and just ended up wasting their money. Then you're going to phone Martin at The Crew House in Antibes +33 9777 53069 and book your first week of accommodation, it's the cheapest place, it's really central and it's so much fun, you'll love it. Book it as soon as you can, it fills up really fast and you don't want to have to sleep at the train station. You must fly into Nice Airport, walk outside and go to the lady selling tickets... "Bonjour, Antibes, s'il vous plaît", it's 9 euros and she'll show you where to go. They'll drop you just above the train station, walk over the bridge, down the stairs, head straight down the road and take a right at Avenue Saint Roch, you'll be able to hear the Crew House before you see it. Make sure you have 50 euros on you cos they won't let you check in without that money for the deposit. I forgot to mention, passport... very NB, obviously. If you want, apply for a Seaman's Book with the MCA, you get discounts on flights and a 40kg luggage allowance.

4. Before you leave, register online with all the agencies, it'll save you so much time. Just fill in what you can, you can keep updating it as you get more certificates etc. Here are a few of the main ones... luxyachts, bluewater, YCO, crew unlimited, camper and nicholson's, jf recruting. Very NB is your CV... and a sexy CV photo, it's shallow but it's the main thing they look at, so make sure it's a really good one.

Curriculum Vitae

Miguel sexy-mother-fucker Caetano

Deckhand/Sex Worker

Make that bit at the top look good, put a strip of colour, with your photo on the right, don't go overboard but try make it look different cos they get hundreds of them that all look the same, so if yours is even slightly different they're gonna notice it.

Personal details:
nationality (very NB that you mention your portugese passport, often when they just see "South Africa" they don't bother reading any further cos there are always VISA problems), telephone, skype name, email, date of birth, language, marital status, drivers licence, health (write excellent, non-smoker, no tattoos.. important), ENG1 Medical, availability: put a date.
  

Objective: what you're looking for, deckhand, charter, blabla, make it short

Personal Profile: this is really important, don't write anything cheesy, besides your profile pic this is the next most important thing, just tell them how AWESOME you are without sounding too  arrogant, they want to know what kind of person you are and if you're going to get on with the rest of the crew. Often it's the crew that'll look at the CVs and they choose someone who sounds like a cool person so try make a good impression.

Education: be brief, they don't really care too much about this, just high school and your university degree.

Licences/certificates STCW, powerboat, deckhand etc


Work experience (hospitality etc, really fluff it up, write stuff about having to organise things and be accountable and use initiative etc, you know the story)

Interests: put water sports, haha and anything else that makes you sound like an interesting, fun person. Don't put "travelling", that irritates them and they'll think you're just coming along for a joy ride (which you are, but they don't need to know that)

References, put at least three

VOILA that's your CV, send it to me once you've done it and i'll help you with it, there's a very specific format you have to stick to.

Really important, set up an offshore account with Lloyd's TSB before you come, it doesn't cost anything and saves you SO much trouble, you do NOT want to have to try and set up an account with these impatient bloody frogs, make sure you do this well before you fly out, it takes a while to get the cards sent to you etc. Email David, he's really nice and will come to your house to set it up for you: David.Bartlett@lloydstsb.co.za. It's best to have an offshore, so the tax man can't find you, haha.

What else, bring enough money to last you 2 weeks, you can live really cheaply once you're here and with just one day's day work you'll be able to pay another whole weeks rent.

So just GET here, go dockwalking STRAIGHT away and find yourself daywork, just anything to add to your CV and NETWORK, you'll enjoy this bit. Flirt with every pretty girl you can see, because she's probably a stewardess and is friends with the deckhand who speaks to the captain and can recommend you for a job. Hang out at the blue lady and buy drinks for people who look important. Print yourself a little business card with your name, your number, your photo and your position (deckhand, available for daywork or other random titivations with miscallenoeus pretty girls)

Or, alternatively, you just skip all of that and you come work on my boat because the deckhand is probably quiting, his girlfriend has him by the balls and won't let him work next year as we'll have a seven month contract and be travelling all over the med. It's not a definite but it's likely that will happen, if the boat sells. So do your courses and go work on anything that floats, even if it is a smelly old fishing boat at the waterfront.

Can't wait for you to get here and to show you all the ropes, so to speak. Lord I'm funny. There is SO much fun to be had so choose cake, or alternatively, stay in Joburg and choose death. Personally, I'd choose cake, although everyone likes a bit of death every now and then.

Now MIGUEL, I've taken a LONG time to write all this out and I will be very cross if you don't get yourself organised. So, bury your face in CAKE and become a yachtie. Cake cake cake. We know how you love cake...

The end... you're welcome.

six of the best

So, to a French person, when a South African says "chairs"... it apparently sounds like we're saying "cheese", I found this out when I asked the deckhand to put some chairs out as we were having a few extra guests for dinner and what was randomly laid out on the dinner table? An enormous platter of cheese, bless his heart. Perhaps I sound more like a Saffa than I think, haha, "chez", chaaairs, laaa te da chhhaaairs. 

 We were sailing along and I looked out the porthole and saw this. Not. Even. Joking. Out of nowhere we were on our side and in the water and the best part was... muggins here had just served lunch, in my defence the captain had merely said that it might be "a bit bumpy", he failed to mention that the boat was going to practically flip over. I needn't have bothered with the plates because the food was splattered all over the boat, I'm talking salmon stuck to the walls, guests sliding in butter, clinging to the table, children screaming and laughing hysterically, salad on the roof, prawns flung into the cabins, plates smashing, glasses sliding ... it was glorious. The guests had the time of their lives, it was all rather dramatic, everyone was on the floor laughing and trying to cling onto things, the big Italian boss was sitting happily on the floor in the corner eating my smoked salmon and dill quiche straight off the floor, he picked up a prawn, and dipped it in the marie rose sauce under the table, it was the most classic sight ever, the boat was violently rocking from side to side and there he was... eating, very typical of him. All the kids screamed out at once "dad STOP eating", haha, he was the best of the lot, he absolutely LOVED food and had a really good sense of humour. The captain didn't seem to find it as funny as the guests did, in fact, he found it very unfunny indeed, haha, "Carreee, what-eez-theez bullsheeet? Theez bullshit on you, merde", hahahahaha. I shouln't have laughed but I did. I looked at him and pulled the sweetest face I could, how could he be cross? He shook his head, started laughing and said "clean well, belle folle"

The guests went upstairs and enjoyed the incredible sailing that was going on (11 knots) and I stayed downstairs, cleaning up the aftermath like a bozo. It was exhausting, I was sliding around the place with a mop, sweating, picking up glass, stressing out and feeling rather queezy. I managed to get everything under control, and, feeling rather pleased with myself, I sat down for 10 seconds only to be approached by the most annoying creature of the lot, the 16 year old boy who had just woken up and without even saying hello said in his most annoying 

American accent "Carey, I'll get, like, an egg-white omlette, with, like, bacon, mushrooms, green peppers, onions, garlic and chili... and cheese, and ketchup. AWESOME. And then, like, I'll get, some rrrraspberry pancakes with, like a chocolate sauce, and some whipped cream...

I looked at him.

There was a 5 second pause.

And then I cracked up laughing.

I'm talking uncontrollable, crazy person, tears running down my face kind of laughing. And I couldn't stop.

The little brat just stood there in an absolute state of shock. He looked around to see if anyone else was witnessing this outrageous behaviour and said "you're fuckin' crazy, dude".

I said "yeah I like totally am, dude. The cereal is in the cupboard and you know where the bowls are, bon appetit, and don't spill ANYTHING on the couch, I'll be totally, like, mad. Thanks"

 

I don't know what got into me but it felt so good.

Crew night out in La Madellena, Sardinia. We had just arrived at the port after a few hours sailing and the most amazing thing happened, the guests decided to go ashore for dinner and decided to give us some money to treat ourselves too. We went to the most incredible local restaurant. The entire menu was in Italian (of course) and I had no idea what I was ordering, I just pointed at something on the menu and hoped for the best. Well, the boys' food came and it looked INCREDIBLE, I sat there eagerly waiting for mine and what had old silly sally ordered, a plain bowl of pasta with a splash of cheese sauce on the top. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! Now, I'd been working 18 hours a day for the last six days, I'd had one too many glasses of wine and I was REALLY looking forward to something incredible and delicious being cooked and served to me, for a change. I looked at it, and I don't know what happened, but I started crying.  I tried to stop but I couldn't. It was ridiculous. I was crying because I had ordered the most boring thing on the menu. The guys looked at me, utterly perplexed, the waiter ran to the kitchen and called the chef and out she came, to find one of her customers CRYING because they didn't like what she had cooked. The ultimate insult. I felt terrible. I had no idea what she was saying but she clearly felt absolutely terrible too. She went into the kitchen and came out 20 minutes later with a plate of the most delicious looking pasta I had ever seen, she bought me bowls of parmesan and all sorts of extras. She threw in a limoncello and some desserts and a really big hug, I somehow think she knew it wasn't so much about the food as about being way over worked and over tired.

 

We had a few more glasses of wine, the music was turned up and next thing the entire restaurant was standing up, dancing and singing in Italian, the staff came out the kitchen with pizza and sat down to eat their dinner and started passing it around, the waitress poured us all ANOTHER round of limoncello, lit up a cigarette and just chilled with us for the rest of the night. It was such a great evening, I'll never forget it. We walked back to the boat along the narrow, cobbled streets and stopped on our way to listen to a guy playing the guitar and singing the most beautiful song, I had no idea what the words meant but it made me cry, again. After all that crying and eating and laughing and singing, it was time to go to bed, I had another long day ahead of me.

Being asked by a 12 year old which button on the boat remote to push to make the crew jump up like robots and fetch the ice cream . Not even joking. Those exact words.

 

 

Sleeping out under the open sky, watching shooting stars and listening to the sound of the water against the boat, spontaneous midnight swims when the guests were sleeping, sailing, cooking,joking around with the crew, feeding 10 year olds mojitos when their parents were away, just to see what happend, the incredible colors of the sea in Sardinia and, this is not the kind of thing I normally say, but achieving more than I ever thought I could. The dolphins, the mountains, the preposterously good-looking captain on the other boat, his charming girlfriend, the sunrises, the sunsets, and everything in between...

,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The end...

The First Dinner...

Now when I say I was stressed, I mean it, I was stressed. People who know me will know how stressed I get about things and how ridiculous and irrational I can be. It was fight or flight and I was flighting (bru), I mean I was fleeing, or wanting to flight, or flee or fly, anyways I wanted off, I wanted to jump off the boat and keep swimming till I hit Cape Town. I was ready to fling myself off the pasarelle and feed myself to the sharks, I didn't care. I was thinking of every possible way to get out of it, I considered falling down the stairs, mysteriously disappearing (which would have been very naughty), asphyxiating myself with cleaning products or chewing my own arm off so I couldn't cook but I eventually came to my senses, I had a little pep talk with myself and realised how insane I was being. So I knocked back a few shots of Corsica's finest fun juice (just testing, for the guests) and got on with it.

So for the first meal I thought I'd play it REALLY safe, there seemed no point in trying to make something fancy I'd never done before when I was SO flipping stressed out, so for the starter I made a potatoe and leek soup, a bit boring but I knew how to make it with my eyes closed, I could prepare it in advance and people have told me it tastes really good. As I was serving the soup I noticed loads of little brown specs in it, I had NO idea what they were, absolutely NOTHING brown went into the soup, and I hadn't burnt it. I looked down at the wooden spoon and noticed a piece of it was missing. Oh yes, a piece of the wooden spoon had broken off into the soup and I had liquidised it along with the rest of the ingredients. Oh FLIP, oh help, buggeration. I had no idea what to do, the guests were all sitting down waiting for their starter, so I tasted it (to see that they wouldn't choke and die), it seemed okay... and then... I did the unthinkable, I served it. Yeah, I actually served it, and everyone lived, which was a good thing (or wwwwwAS it??). I then served a really good quality, masterfully cooked (believe it) filet mignon and made a FULL recovery with my meringue baskets, filled with chantilly cream and topped with every berry under the sun, dusted with icing sugar and finished off with a sprig of mint (cos I'm fancy like that)... mmm yum. Madam Sour Face went so far as to say that she was a meringue "fanatic" and that it was the best she had ever tasted and could she please have the recipe... funny thing was, there WAS no recipe, I had no measuring scales or cups and I completely winged it... so I just made something up, wrote it down and gave it to her, I'm pretty sure she will NEVER ever have to make her own mernigue.

Here's a picture of Madam Sour Face, looking like she's just been baptised in lemon juice, what a cracker...

So I survived, I cooked my first formal 3 course meal and I survived, I didn't have to sacrifice any limbs, fall down any stairs nor did I have to become shark fodder, a succesful night, I would say...

An average day chartering

Now I don't want to be completely negative and incite too much bad Karma because on the whole the experience was REALLY good for me but some stories must be told.

Our guests were... special. There were 6 of them, 4 children and two adults, all under the age of 17 (the children, not the adults, or they wouldn't be adults WOULD they, anyways). They all seemed to speak three languages so I couldn't really work out where they were from, they all lived in different places but they ALL had delightful  American accents (that made my ears BLEED). Their family friends were travelling with us on another boat and were also wonderfully American, the dad was apparently a very famous photographer and the children were worse than ours (I never thought it possible). They'd often ALL come over to our boat for lunch, with about 10 minutes notice, something I'm getting used to now.

So, an average day for me went something like this...

6.30am wake up set breakfast table tidy lounge squeeze orange juice make fruit salad TIDY DECK AREA prepare breakfast start preparing dessert for lunch make coffee make and serve breakfast (omlettes, scrambled eggs, pancakes, croissants, toast, jam, cereal, smoothies) clear table wash dishes clean all cabins hang towels out prepare lunch appetizers and starters vacuum floors prepare and serve lunch (stater, main, dessert) clear table wash dishes serve drinks play uno with the children bake a cake for afternoon tea start dinner preperation (appertizer, starter, main, dessert, cheese selection) serve wine and cocktails set formal dinner table light candles around the boat PLATE AND SERVE DINNER clear table wash dishes tidy kitchen serve coffee turn down beds make crew dinner clean the kitchen take out the bins SHOWER plan schedule for the next day go to bed  (out on the deck as my cabin was boiling hot and I had to share my tiny bed with all the guests suitcases)

Over the whole charter, I made...

48 breakfasts
72 starters
48 lunches
36 dinners
72 desserts
7 afternoon teas
22 plates of appetizers

21 crew lunches, 21 crew dinners

and yes, I took the time to work all this out...

Bonifacio, Corsica

We had a few days before the guests arrived which was heavenly, we were still working and getting the boat ready but had a bit of time to look around, go for walks to the beach and up the beautiful mountain, swim, snorkel, shop and go out for meals. 

TAKE A LOOK AT BONIFACIO...
it's breathtakingly beautiful

île de beauté...

just call me CHEF

So we arrived in Bonifacio and the holiday was over... time to work. I was given my uniform which I was super excited about... t-shirts and polos with the boat's logo, a proper red sailing jacket (eee), some peak caps, some brand new aprons and... CHEF'S WHITES. Yes, you heard me... CHEF'S WHITES, you know, the little white chef outfit with the double buttons down the middle and the boat's logo embroidered in red... yeah THAT one. I asked Pierre if I could please keep it in the cupboard, just until the guests arrived, it kinda made me NERVOUS, like really REALLY nervous. WHY were they giving me a CHEF's outfit... I'm not even a chef... oh HELL

 that was then... when I was a rookie and this is at the end of the charter, when I was a full-blown professional, OWNING the outfit... yeah maaan

SO, like you do when you're a CHEF... I finished planning my menus, wrote a whopper of a grocery list and went trapsing around beautiful Bonifacio looking for the best quality products I could find, with absolutely NO budget. It was so much fun, I hiked up a huge mountain to look for the butchery... and finally found it... totally worth it

I went to the fishmonger and bough two massive salmons, some red snapper, beautiful sea bass, a fish with the most ridiculously funny face I've ever seen, some tiger prawns, mussels, scallops and shrimp... the total amount was just RIDICULOUS... good thing it wasn't my money I was spending.

I went to the cheese shop and was taught all about different cheeses and the special Corsican cheeses they had, they were SO strong they could have walked back to the boat themselves!!

I went to the florist, the bakery and the BEST fruit and vegetable shop I've ever seen called CHEZ LUCETTE where things cost an absolute BOMB but are super good quality, I was just picking up a few things and ended up spending over R6000.. oops. I bought the best selection of fresh berries, pommegranates, figs and every fruit under the sun. I bought the finest olive oil and balsamic vinegar and some beautiful olives, sundried tomatoes and charcuterie. Okay, wow, I've really turned into a bit of a foodie... enough. Anyways, it was AWESOME.

I got back to the boat, spent AGES trying to find space for all this food and was invited to dinner with the guys, Bonifacio has the most incredible vibe, it's one of the most lively, beautiful places I've ever seen...

The Journey Begins... Cap d'Agde to Bonifacio

After FIVE long hours on the train I arrived in Cap d'Agde, near Montpellier in France to be greeted by Pierre, the 25 year old French captain from Swallows and Amazons, the 76 foot sailing yacht I'd be on for the next 2 weeks. We soon learnt that it was his first time being a captain, that it was MY first time being a "chef", my first time on a sailing yacht, my first time doing a charter and that it was the deckhand's first charter too... oh boy!

There's no way I could even begin to describe the 36 hour sail from Agde to Bonifacio so here are some pics, they tell a thousand words...

 

 

 

dolphins....

 

the BLUEST water I've ever seen

some professional pics of  

 

 how BEAUTIFUL...

Still Alive...

'tis true... I'M ALIVE... OLEH! I'm back from Corsica and Sardinia after the hardest but most rewarding week of my entire life, I've been to places more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, I cooked things I never dreamed I could cook and I learnt so much about different cultures, foods and languages. I have so many stories and photographs I don't even know where to begin, stay tuned

the calm before the storm

Only have 5 minutes on the internet, so, today went like this: cleaned cabins, extreme grocery shopping for the guests, a hike (no joke) up to the top of Bonofacio in the old town where the best butcher in town sellllfishly decided to open his amazing little butchery. Cleverly found storage space for 7 days worth of groceries for NINE people (as we might not get the chance to even SEE another shop once we set sail), then the lovely Captain Pierre gave me the rest of the day off so I went for a hike, went snorkeling and saw some incredible fish, did some sight-seeing in the old town and came back to the boat to be invited out for dinner and cocktails. It's been such a great day but I'd be lying if I didn't say I am ABSOLUTELY petrified for the guests to arrive on Monday, I am so out of my depth with this it's not even funny, I hate this expression (cos it's a bit weird and kind of gross) but there is a shiiiitstorm of EPIC proportions on it's way. Oh HELP. Somebody SAVE meeeeeeeeeeee. Wait, WHO said that, it couldn't possibly be CHEF Cary, yeah THAT one, the chef on the charter sailing boat for six high-end guests and three crew for an entire week, not THAT one... surely? Nope, must have been someone else...

Bonofacio Bound

We're currently en-route to Corsica from Cap d'Agde in France. We left at about 9pm and sailed through the night, leaving the port with a full moon, a sky full of stars and an incredible firework display, it was all so beautiful. The charter guests only arrive on Monday so we have 5 days to get to Bonofacio in Corsica and get everything ready so we're jus taking it easy, enjoying the sail and having loads of fun. There are 4 of us onboard, I'm the only girl amongst 3 lovely French boys, all the same age as me which is really cool. Two of them speak English and the other one, well, not so much. Frenchie and I were left together on watch for 2 hours at 1am  with a "conversational English" book between us, it was rather entertaining as we ended up acting out everything we were trying to say.

I woke up to the most beautiful sunrise, made some breakfast for everyone and then took my ipod up on deck and lay down in the sun, with the wind in the sails and the water below as BLUE as any blue I have EVER seen in my life, it was just incredible. We stopped the boat and all jumped off for a swim in the middle of the ocean, the water surprisingly warm, just crystal clear and so refreshing. We tied a board to the back of the boat and turned the motor on so we were holding onto it and going really fast behind the boat, it was so much fun. Some dolphins came swimming right up next to us while we were in the water and it was just the coolest thing I've ever experienced. I've been reading, tanning, chilling out with the guys and cooking some great food.

Saying yes to this "job" was the best thing I ever did, I say this NOW but the guests are yet to arrive and I think it's going to be a whole different story. I'm just using this time to plan my menus and organise the galley and I'm just going to take it as it comes. Even if the charter is ridiculously stressful, these first 5 days would have totally made it all worth it.

I can't upload any pictures as I'm using the boat's internet and its super expensive but I have some incredible pictures to post. We've just come back from having dinner and a few drinks along the port in Bonofacio and I better get to bed, I have loads of shopping to do tomorrow...

king of the bins

The port refuse area in Golfe Juan is a GREAT place (seriously), not only because you meet loads of yachties taking out their garbage too but because you FIND stuff. And I'm not just talking about smelly banana peels and old newspapers... I'm talking Magimix Nespresso M200s. Yeah. For real. Just like this. Sitting on top of the rubbish pile, caaaaan you believe it.

And... it totally WORKS. It just needed some anti-calc run through it. The lazy, wasteful creatures couldn't be bothered to clean the thing so they just threw it out. This is what these people are like in this industry, there's just SO much money being thrown around that something like this is just peanuts to them so the minute it stops working, for even a second, they throw it out. Which is completely RIDICULOUS but completely awesome for old bargain betty over here. Gotta LOVE a free coffee machine. If you have any interest in buying a magimix nespresso machine, email me: carymurdoch@yahoo.com. While the magimix is cool, especially cos it was FREE, if I was buying one I think I'd buy this starter kit that comes with a cute little machine, a whole lot of nespresso capsules, a carousel to store the capsules and some colourful espresso cups and saucers. Go look at my shop, you can buy it there.

Anyways, my little run to the refuse area was RATHER succesful. I went off the boat with a black bin bag filled with rubbish and walked back on with an almost new magimix coffee maker, the captain was WELL proud of me but asked kindly that I make sure nobody sees which boat I walked off of, you can't have your crew digging through the bins, it's just not the image you're going for.

30 seconds of bravery

Now that the owners have gone, I have quite a bit of free time and our lovely captain has said we could look for a bit of extra work on the side and a day later, just like magic, I found some work on a beautiful 24m sailing yacht going around Corsica and Sardinia. The only thing is, well, the position is as a chef. Yes that's right. A proper chef on a charter boat with 6 guests paying over a quarter of a million rand for a week. And they want to pay me as a proper chef too (2000 buckaroos a flipping day), never mind the tip we'll get at the end(5% each of the charter fee is standard, yeah do that maths). So REALLY, how could I turn this down? I'd have to be completeley NUTS to turn it down. I don't know where I got this idea that I was a chef, I really don't know. I just decided one day that I was going to tell people I was a chef and now it's kinda stuck and now that's just what I say I am. Hahahaha. I think it's time I looked into getting some proper training, maybe that's what i'll do when the season is over.

Anyways, I made it resoundingly clear to the captain that I was not a qualified chef and that my cooking is basic but he's friends with the deckhand on my boat so I think he's willing to let it slide.

Obviously I'm extremely nervous to be cooking 3 course meals for 6 very high end guests but I decided that it's a good thing to push myself and the worst that can happen is that I get to go on a sailing boat to Corsica and get bucketfuls of money, sure the guests might not be 100% happy with the level of cooking but they still have to pay me and they're still expected to leave 15% tip for the 3 of us. So really, worst case scenario is REALLY not bad.

So yeah, on the 1st August I'm getting on a train to Montpellier (5 hours away) and then getting on the yacht and doing a 36 hour crossing to Bonofacio, Corsica, where I will work, as a chef, and produce EXCELLENT, top quality 3 course meals, for 6 people, twice a day (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, trying not to panic).

So yes, that was my 30 seconds of bravery, picking up the phone and saying with complete confidence that I will be coming onto the boat to be their chef for a week.

polishing and stuff

Polishing is NOT fun, especially when you have an entire kitchen to do.

Oooh look, just OODLES of fun

it's even more fun when you find...

How to be an excellent cook/stew

First and foremost, you must be an excellent chef.

You have to know how to read stuff in French so you can follow cooking instructions and so you don't buy cottage cheese when you're trying to buy yoghurt you don't make quiche out of puff pastry cos you thought it was normal pastry cos you couldn't undertand what it said cos you DON'T SPEAK FRENCH. Anyways. Moving on.

You can't BURN stuff
Burning stuff is a big NO-NO, people don't seem to  take very kindly to it.
Oh, and you can't serve dodgey looking food, presentation is key.

You must know that cream, garlic and butter make everything taste better. This is important.

You have to know how to ride a bicycle, with 2 baguettes under your arm, balancing 8kg in your little basket with a steaming hot rotisserie chicken in your backpack, burning the living daylights out of your back. You've gotta be FAST so the ice cream doesn't melt and you have to do all this whilst adhering to the rules of the road, ringing your bell at pedestrians that get in your way, greeting the littleold lady in the boulangerie and watching out for wild, unruly teenagers on their scooters.

You have to be REALLY good at shopping. You've gotta be good at BUYING stuff, with someone elses money (tough one right?)

You have to know how to arrange

and how to make a really pretty

and you have to remember to check it EVERY day, or else the sneaky little plum at the bottom of the bowl will go rotten, and the owners wife will pick it up and go freaking

Yeah. BANANAS. Absolutely freaking, totally bananas.
PRETTINESS is the key word. You must be able to make everything look pretty, all the time, including yourself. Prettiness is imperitive.

You must be able to feed ridiculously, abnormally hungry men, we're talking an 8 on the hunger scale of 1 to Mole.

Anyways, as I was saying..

You must have one of THESE, a crystal ball

Very NB

This is a vital piece of equipment. You need one so you know how many people you'll be cooking for, what they would like to eat, what time they'll be arriving and how many nights they'll be staying on the boat. Without one of these, you're screwed.

More tips on how to be an excellent cook/stew to come...